


That Blonde One

by Gimbat_ash



Series: The Nightclub Killer and his Consequeses [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Crack, Dark Crack, F/M, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-12-13 16:37:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gimbat_ash/pseuds/Gimbat_ash
Summary: Written about 10 years ago with the goal of writing the crackiest crackfic ever!There is a weirdo! There is gratuitous violence! There are strippers! Yes, strippers! Ed must go undercover in a strip club to catch said weirdo and stop his gratuitous violence. Uncomfortable situations ensue for all! Yay!It's the best/worst fic on FF.net version 2.0 (with fewer typos)!





	1. Gratuitous Violence

**Author's Note:**

> This introduction is the main reason for the rating. The rest is pretty tame so feel free to skip to chapter 2 if you want.

There she is. Finally, I can be satisfied. It seemed to take forever for her to leave the club. I could hardly control myself watching her dance all night. She is exactly what I like: small, lean, long hair. She is perfect. Just a little longer and I will have her. I can rip and tear and slash all I wish. There, there! She's turning a corner. I begin to walk casually, discretely. I'm getting closer. She's entering the alley. I follow. Closer. Closer. She's noticed me now and I can't help but let and evil grin slide onto my face. She's scared. She starts to run but I am too quick.  
I grab her long, soft hair and I pull her over to me as the blood rushes to my crotch. I know she wants to scream now but that would alert the authorities to my location and then this lovely experience would end. I whip this beauty around and slam my fist into her jaw. I feel a snap beneath my fingers as the mandible slides to the side. All the woman can bring herself to do is whimper. That's so hot! Now I bring out the stone.  
My exploits have gotten much more arousing since acquiring this stone. I send out a flash of energy. In the instant before the bolt reaches her, I see her eyes widen like a poor, innocent animal just as a hunter's gun bangs. The energy hits her in the chest, searing off her clothes. Oh! This is bliss! I can feel the climax approaching. I come so quickly now that I can do such sensual things to my lovers. I have been sated. I have no more need for this thing. I will return home now before the military gets here.


	2. Roy Mustang is on the Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News of our murderous creeper has reached the military. Mustang to the rescue, whether he likes it or not!

Splat! Riza Hawkeye was at her wit's end. She was trying to work and someone kept throwing spitballs at her. It had to be either Mustang or Havoc. Whichever one it was would surely get a bullet through the skull. No, better yet, she would load the spit wads into her gun and shoot THEM at the culprit. Hawkeye let a sinister giggle escape her lips. She heard Roy Mustang flinch and her mouth curled into a grin. She was just reaching for her gun when the phone on Roy's desk rang.  
"Colonel Mustang." This did not look good. Mustang's brow was knitted and his mouth was down turned. "Alright, we'll be there." Mustang hung up the telephone and motioned for Hawkeye to follow.  
"What is it?" Havoc inquired.  
"That maniac killed another exotic dancer last night and to make matters worse, it has been confirmed that the killer uses alchemy."  
"Oh, so I guess that means you won't be able to make your date with Gwen tonight. I'd be happy to fill in for you." Mustang just glared at Havoc and strode out the door, Hawkeye close behind. "Well, he didn't say no."  
Mustang and Hawkeye walked in silence. Each recognized the gravity of the situation. As the pair progressed down the corridor, Hawkeye began to look more and more confused.  
"Colonel Mustang, sir, aren't we going to the crime scene to meet Lt. Colonel Hughes?"  
"That wasn't Hughes. The Feurer wanted to see us."  
"Oh." What could the Feurer have in mind? Hawkeye still wondered as she and Mustang walked through the door of the Feurer's office. They saluted.  
"At ease Colonel, 1st Lieutenant. Both of you may take a seat." Hawkeye and Mustang exchanged questioning glances and sat down. "This cannot continue to happen. Alchemic killings against civilians will diminish public trust in the military. I have decided to send one of our own soldiers undercover to bait and capture this killer. I want you to head up this mission Colonel, and I would like you to assist and protect the Colonel, 1st Lieutenant. Now, I must ask, do either of you know anyone off the top of your head that would be suitable to go undercover, someone with whom you could both work well?" Silence… “If you think of someone, let me know. I'll see if I can think of anyone suitable in the mean time. You are dismi…"  
"Wait sir, I just thought of the perfect person."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't Mustang evil? Hehe! We all know who that perfect person is, and he isn't going to be all that thrilled when he hears about this whole situation. This is gonna be fun. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter.


	3. Perfect for the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mustang and Havoc do dorky imitations and Ed finds out that he got the job.

"Holy crap! No way! Aw man, this is gonna be so great!" Havoc was a little too thrilled with the prospect of putting Ed in women's clothing. "I mean he looks enough like a girl as it is."  
"Yes, exactly my thought," Mustang remarked, looking quite pleased with himself. "This is such a dangerous and important mission, I would have gone myself but of course I am far too manly." Havoc chucked a pen at Mustang's head for his arrogance. "Seriously though, Ed's perfect for the job. He's built like woman. He even has that curvy hourglass thing going on...sort of. The point is he’s hot.” Mustang got another pen to the head and a disgusted look.  
"You do have a point though," Havoc conceded. "He is pretty delicate looking. And then there are his eyes too."  
"Yeah, they're all…all…pretty."  
"Yeah." Mustang and Havoc sat in silence for a moment vainly attempting to figure out what was so girly about Ed's eyes. Eventually they came to a non-verbal agreement that neither of them knew WHY Ed's eyes were girly. They just were.  
Mustang broke the silence as he tried to stifle a laugh.  
"What's so funny?" Havoc inquired.  
"I just thought of something. I'd be willing to bet that Fullmetal hasn't hit puberty yet. That's why he doesn't have a shred of masculinity," Mustang concluded.  
"Or…"  
"Or what Havoc?"  
"Or he could be gay." Another moment of contemplation ensued. Then both simultaneously twitched at the traumatizing thoughts going through their collective head.  
"Naw Havoc, he's just a kid. I mean, this is going to be easy for him. He doesn't have facial hair to worry about, and he won't have to keep shaving his underarms or anything."  
"Damn, that's right. He doesn't have to shave. Lucky!" Havoc slumped down in his chair and pouted.  
"Come on, man. Pull yourself together. He may not have to shave, but how would you like to have that voice. I can hardly keep from laughing at the way his voice keeps cracking when he yells at me."  
"Yeah! That's right. Ha! I never noticed that before, but now that you mention it…" Havoc didn't even finish his sentence before succumbing to a torrent of laughter.  
"Okay, it isn't that funny," Mustang said in exasperation. "You wanna see something really funny?" Mustang got down on his knees and started shuffling around the room going, "I'm Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. Look at me. I'm so pretty. Look at my lovely golden locks," in a very squeaky voice. Then he cocked his hips slightly to the right, as Ed tended to do when annoyed, and pretended to flip long hair over his shoulder. At this point Havoc was laughing so hard there was no sound. He just looked like he was having a seizure. "Havoc, are you okay?"  
"Yeah," Havoc choked out, beginning to recover. "That is so true! He's perfect for this mission."  
"I know. I'm a genius. The thing that first made me think of him is that he is so amazingly…"  
"…pitifully…"  
"…absurdly…"  
"…SHORT!"  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" the sound seemed to shake the whole building and footsteps pounded down the hall strait for them. Havoc ran to his desk and pretended he had been busy for the whole time. Mustang dove for his "boom, boom" gloves, slipping them on just as the butt of their previous jokes crashed into the room. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE'S LIKE A POUND YOU DON'T BOTHER TO LOSE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EVEN SHOW!" Ed stood panting after his tirade. The tension hung in the air for a moment before shattering and Mustang and Havoc burst into laughter yet again.  
"You ARE a genius, Colonel! That was the girliest thing I think I've ever heard a guy say! He's perfect!" Anger flared in Ed's eyes and he marched strait over to Roy and slammed his hands down on the Colonel's desk. "Alright Mustang, what dirty work do I have to do this time?"  
"I'm so happy to see that you’re eager to complete this mission, Fullmetal," Roy remarked. "Have you heard of the guy who has been killing all of those dancers from the club?"  
"So you want me to catch him? Fine." The petite alchemist started toward the door but halted in his tracks and slowly turned to face Mustang. "That's too simple. What's the catch?"  
"My, you ARE perceptive aren't you? Basically, we want to lure the killer into a controlled environment, and you will be our bait." Ed looked completely confounded.  
"You have to pretend to be an exotic dancer," Havock chimed in.  
"What! Why would I ever do that? I'm outa here!" With that, Ed stormed toward the door once again.  
"You'll do this because the killer reportedly used a red stone in his murders," Mustang called after Ed. Ed didn't turn this time. He simply crossed his arms and muttered, "Fine, I'll do it."  
"What was that? I don't think I heard you!"  
"I'll do it, okay!" Ed yelled and then continued his whirlwind exit. Ed stormed all the way to his room and slammed the door. He made his way over to his bed and flopped down on the mattress. "How am I going to explain this to Al?"


	4. A Most Awkward Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mustang wants to see what he has to work with. His assessment turns into more of an event than even he intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find this chapter uncomfortable, good. I wanted this story to be like a train wreck, but the train is full of bouncy balls and those screaming rubber chickens. Enjoy!

Ed awoke the next morning to a loud rapping on his door. He could hear Al groan with annoyance across the room. "I'll get it," Ed said as he stumbled into the cold air of the room and over to the door. He opened it to find Major Armstrong standing on the other side. "What is it, Major Armstrong?"  
"Colonel Mustang wanted to see you about your new mission."  
"Mission? What mi…oh... I'll be right there." Ed quickly pulled his pants and coat on and followed Armstrong to the Colonel's office. A growing sense of foreboding grew within Ed as he neared what he perceived as his doom. Edward Elric? A stripper? Ed was only fourteen and had no idea what he was supposed to do. All he knew was that this would involve shaking his butt and showing a lot of skin. His breath caught in his throat as Armstrong announced his arrival and he was motioned into the room.  
As terrified as Ed had been as he entered the room, that didn't even compare to the wave of total and complete panic that gripped his very being as he saw the sight therein. Just about everyone he knew stood about the office and were all looking at him. Ed sent Mustang a questioning look. The Colonel stood behind a conspicuously clear desk. "Wha… What's going on," Ed stammered.  
"I was going to evaluate how much training you would require, and it just so happened that I mentioned it to a few people and out of the blue half the…" Mustang's voice seemed fade away as Ed felt himself on the verge of a panic attack. He turned and ran for the door, but Breda caught him.  
"No way you're running away! I've got a bet going." So there was no way out of this. Ed swallowed hard and walked up to Mustang's desk as one going to his own execution.  
"Don't worry, Fullmetal," Mustang soothed. "I'm here to guide you through this."  
"I suppose you would know a lot about the subject." Ed was starting to regain his nerve. "After all I'm sure you've been to strip clubs more times than everyone in this room combined!" A collective "Ooooo!" spread throughout the room punctuated by an "Ouch" here and a "Burn" there. Unfortunately for Ed, that was his last laugh because Mustang chose that moment to lift Ed onto the desk.  
"Alright Fullmetal, now take off that coat slowly and sensually."  
"Don't be nervous, Ed. We're all rooting for you," Hughes chimed in as he turned on some sexy-sounding music. There was a dubious cough from Havoc who was on the other end of Breda's bet. Ed took a deep breath and slowly began to undress.  
He raised his right shoulder and slowly slid the side of his coat down his arm, his eyes glued to the desktop, a blush gracing his youthful cheeks. Ed then lowered the other shoulder letting the coat skid along the lightly muscled flesh of his left arm to slide off the tips of his fingers and land in a blood-colored pool at his feet. He deftly kicked the coat off the desk onto the floor. Then, Ed's hips began to roll, leisurely and sensually as he crossed his arms, resting his hands just above his pants and intertwined his fingers in the fabric of his shirt and pulled up, gradually revealing his slender torso.  
By now, everyone in the room was transfixed as each beheld this golden beauty atop Roy's desk. Roy, however, stood regarding Ed with a thoughtful look on his face, but not breaking the spell just yet.  
Ed let his black tank top fall to the floor like a charred leaf. He was really getting the hang of this, though one could tell that he was still painfully nervous. He raised his left hand to his hair and brought it down across his face and onto his neck and then to his chest then finally across his left nipple while at the same time leaning his head back and reaching over with his right hand to grasp his hair tie, pulling it out. He held the tie in his teeth as he reached up, this time with both hands, to loose his hair from the braid, golden locks showering every which way.  
"Alright, good show. Everyone, go back to your duties," Mustang declared as he switched off the music. As the throng filed out, a very aroused looking Havoc slapped a wad of money into the hands of a chuckling Breda mumbling something along the lines of, "I can't believe he turned me on. That's so gross!"  
When the room was empty save Roy and Ed, Mustang closed the door and turned to face Ed who was hastily composing himself. "That was pretty good, Fullmetal, very good in fact. I was thinking though, there are two things that have to be changed. For one, you look scared out of your wits. Though that does add a certain appeal, you should look a little shy, not in need of hospitalization for anxiety. The other issue as that you had a very masculine presence."  
"What's wrong with being masculine? I didn't think central even had any gay clubs." Roy chuckled at this.  
"You're right, Fullmetal. That's why you will have to pretend to be a woman." Ed was speechless, caught between fear and rage. Before he could get his voice to work, Roy reminded him, "Think about the stone Ed. What if it's the real thing? That's all I needed to know. You can leave now if you want."  
Ed sighed and then yelled, "Damn, this is gonna suck!" Then he stomped out of Mustang's office. "Yes it will, Fullmetal," Mustang said to the closed door. "It definitely will."  
That night, Ed sat on the edge of his bed contemplating his rude awakening. That was probably the most humiliating experience of his life, but yet at the same time, for the first time in his life, he felt attractive. His self-concept had been so damaged by the loss of his limbs. It encouraged him to have all of those people find him beautiful. He could have even sworn that he saw an appreciative look in the usually stone-cold gaze of Riza Hawkeye. "I don't know. Maybe this won't be quite so bad," Ed whispered to himself. A small grin played in his lips as he walked to the mirror and struck a pose. He practiced in front of the mirror for a good fifteen minutes before none other than Al walked in on him. If Al could make facial expressions, his face would have born a look of complete shock. "Brother, what are you doing!?"  
Ed blushed bright red as he composed himself. "Al, I swear. There is a perfectly logical explanation for this." Ed figured he'd have to tell Al eventually and now was as good a time as any other.


	5. Training of a Different Sort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed learns the basics of exotic dance.

"Good luck, you sexy thing you!" Al called as Ed walked out the door to his next "mission briefing". Al had taken the news much better that Ed feared. He had not been horrified or disgusted. Al found the notion of his diminutive older brother being a stripper absolutely uproarious. Ed was relieved that Al wasn't traumatized but still… Al was having way too much fun cracking jokes about Ed's predicament.  
"So what torture awaits me today?" Ed inquired sullenly.  
"Do not worry, Edward Elric. You handled yourself well yesterday. Today was far less…publicized. I'm sure you will be fine," Major Armstrong replied.  
"Alright," Ed said, still feeling a bit apprehensive. He took a deep breath as Armstrong opened the door to Mustang's office and Ed stepped inside.  
The spectacle therein was indeed very different from that of the day prior. In fact, it was Ed's turn to burst into laughter. Roy sat at his desk as usual, but now there was a scantily clad woman sitting in the Colonel's lap, licking his neck as Roy practically purred with need. However, upon hearing Ed's laughter, Mustang jumped up, unseating the woman in the process. The perpetually composed Colonel's hair was quite disheveled and he was most defiantly blushing. This only made Ed laugh harder until he was literally laying on the floor doubled up, practically suffocating in his laughter. By this time, Roy regained his composure and began to don his "boom, boom gloves".  
"Fullmetal, get off the floor and shut up unless being a cinder appeals to you." Ed looked from the Colonel to the Colonel's gloves and was promptly silent. "Good. This is Natalia Covez. She will assist you in improving your…um…skills," Roy said as Ed got to his feet. "Well Natalia…er…um…Ms. Covez, see what you can do." Mustang then went and sat behind his desk.  
"Hello, Edward is it?" Natalia asked.  
"Yeah," replied Ed.  
"Well, well, the Colonel was correct when he said that you are the perfect candidate for the job. You're gorgeous."  
"Really? You think so?" Ed felt attractive after yesterday's dance but to hear a beautiful woman say it was another matter entirely.  
"Of course!" Natalia led Ed to a mirror. "You have amazing eyes. Yes, eye contact will be very important for you. If you work it right, one look could drive a person mad with desire, and think of what you could do with that hair. Most women would kill for hair like that." Natalia then led Ed away from the mirror and began to walk around him, studying him. Ed didn't know really what to do so he just stood feeling uncomfortable. "Mmmm…I don't know which is better: your face or your body. I can tell already that you have amazing legs.  
Now take off some of those layers. You're really sexy. Don't hesitate to show that off." There was a derisive snort from Roy, which Natalia's angry glare cut short. Ed proceeded to slip off his coat and overshirt and crossed his arms, assuming his okay-now-Ed-is-cranky posture. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have very expressive hips?" Natalia commented. A surprised look appeared on Ed's face and he swiftly stood up strait. "Don't misunderstand me, Edward. That is not a bad thing. Actually, it will most likely be one of your greatest assets. Speaking of assets, let's see how yours is." A confused expression crossed Ed's features as Natalia walked behind him. He followed her gaze. Now he got it! He felt his cheeks redden.  
"So?" he prompted.  
"Oh, I'm just swallowing my jealousy. You really shouldn't cover that up with that coat of yours. You're depriving the world of a truly amazing sight." Ed was staring to get really uncomfortable. The concept of him being sexually attractive was a totally new concept and he found it slightly overwhelming.  
"Alright, I'm acceptable. Now tell me what I have to do." Ed just wanted to get this over with.  
"Okay, Edward. We'll get started. The purpose of this was to let you know what you need to emphasize and, more importantly, to boost your self-esteem. Confidence is key to exotic dance. Your audience will not think you are sexy if you don't think you're sexy." Ed looked utterly perplexed. "Okay Edward, think of it like this. When you fight an enemy, you can't show fear or doubt because it will make your opponent more confident and think less of you. Dance works the same way. You cannot show any doubt of your sexiness or the audience will pick up on it." Ed pondered this. Yes. This made sense. So this would be as much a battle as a performance. This he could handle. His mission was to prove his worth to the "enemy".  
"Okay, let's do this!"  
"That's the spirit, Fullmetal," Roy called from his desk. Natalia and Edward told Mustang to shut up. As Roy grimaced, Ed's lesson began. It was rather short and simple as Natalia decided that Ed had been traumatized enough for that day. Ed simply went through a few different types of hip rolls. The blonde alchemist turned out to be a fast learner and his martial arts training helped immensely. His first few lessons consisted of fairly simple things like sexy walking and individual floor moves, but eventually he progressed on. It turned out that Ed was a fantastically talented poll dancer. His small, strong body moved so gracefully that when he danced it almost looked like he was flying.  
However, he had a bit more trouble with lap dancing. Ed wasn't quite as comfortable when it came to interacting with people especially since Natalia made him practice on men right off the bat. It made sense since that was what he'd actually be dealing with, but still. Ed was not in the least bit gay and it took him a long time to be able to get through an entire lap dance without freaking out. What made it especially weird was that the man he had to practice on happened to be none other than Havoc. Ed couldn't help but suspect that that had been Colonel Mustang's idea and that it was a joke on both Havoc and him. Still, Ed eventually mastered the lap dance.  
"Well, Edward. I think I've taught you as much as I can," Natalia said. "I think it's time for me to return to East City."  
"What! You're not from Central? You won't be here to help me?" Ed began to panic.  
"Of course I'm not from Central. None of the girls you'll be with can know about you being undercover. I'm sure you will be great. Just relax. You're beautiful, remember?"  
"Yeah, I remember. I won't let you down. I'll be great just like you said." Ed gave Natalia one of his famous toothy grins.  
"I know you won't let me down," Natalia said and then she leaned down and kissed Ed on the lips. "Goodbye Ed." Then she was gone.  
All Ed could do was to sit there blushing almost purple and squeak out, "Bye." This was it. Ed was all alone in this. The ball was rolling and there was no stopping its progress. Ed trudged back to his room to prepare for the battle afoot.


	6. Fashion Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed and Hawkeye go on a little shopping trip.

Hawkeye couldn't help but think that this was too good to be true. She was to go on a special mission given to her directly by the Feurer and even better, it involved shopping! There are few women that don't enjoy getting off work to shop even if it wouldn't be for herself. She stopped in front of Edward Elric's door and knocked. A muffled "Uh?" came from the other side of the door. Hawkeye sighed and let herself in. Just as she had surmised, the Fullmetal Alchemist was still in bed.  
"Time to get up Fullmetal, sir," Riza said as she unceremoniously ripped the covers off the still half-asleep Ed who immediately curled into a ball at the center of the bed at the shock of cold air on his body. Hawkeye shook her head and went over to Ed's wardrobe and pulled out his normal combination of clothing and proceeded to chuck the wad of clothes at the pitiful-looking blonde alchemist. Ed groaned and stomped off to a corner to dress. When he had finished he sat down on his bed and said, "Alright, what's today's indignity?"  
"We're going shopping."  
"Why?"  
"You need to look like a woman on stage, so we must go out and get some…um…costumes for you." Ed's face fell. Oh yes, this was going to be an indignity alright. At least he wasn't going with the Colonel. Knowing Central's press, if he went lingerie shopping with Mustang, the paparazzi would eat it up. He could just see the headline on the front page of the paper: FULLMETAL AND FLAME GAY TOGETHER. Ed shuttered at the thought, then sighed.  
"Alright. Let's go." The two proceeded to the store. The trip was far too short for Ed's liking. As he and Riza approached the gate, Ed couldn't help but feel like he was marching to a hopeless battle. Here his manhood would indeed perish before it had even reached its full bloom.  
"Relax Edward. It won't be that bad. I promise," Riza encouraged. "We'll start out easy. How about we look for shoes?" Ed nodded. Shoes he could do. They headed of the shoe section of the market. When Ed entered the women's section he couldn't stifle a moan of infinite despair. "Are you okay?" Riza raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Heels," was all Ed could say. Hawkeye nodded in understanding. Yes, Ed would need a little practice with heels to keep from falling on his face. She scanned the aisle for some classically constructed, medium-heeled shoes. After a few minutes, her eyes fell on the perfect starter pair. They were plain black and constructed much in the way theater character shoes are, plain but sleek.  
"Try these," Hawkeye suggested, proffering the shoes. Ed took off his boots, put one on, and stood up.  
"I think I need a size down," decided the dejected blonde. Riza gave Ed the correct size and, after putting them on, he tried to stand and walk. At first, his ankles were shaky. He even fell once but he quickly got the hang of it.  
"Hey, I think I'm getting this."  
"Good, are you ready to look for some shoes on your own?"  
"I don't know what to look for."  
"That should be easy for you. You're a man. Just pick what you would like to see on a woman." Ed's brow furrowed as he toiled at wrapping his prepubescent brain around this concept. He then proceeded to study the shoes as though looking at alchemic ingredients. Just when Riza was starting to get annoyed, Ed triumphantly grabbed three boxes and walked over to a stool to try them on.  
"Ha! They fit! Ain't I sexy?" Hawkeye about died of surprise. Ed was wearing black suede, knee-high, stiletto boots. Who knew the kid had such a naughty taste in clothes. Riza gave him a thumbs-up. The other shoes that he had chosen were Metallic silver strappy stilettos that fastened above the ankle and sported a rhinestone broach-like embellishment centered just above the toe. The third was probably the biggest surprise. One box had come from another aisle. That was because Ed's third selection was nothing other than a pair of blood-red ballet slippers complete with the ribbon crisscrossing up to the knee. Wow! This kid was kinky! Next, they headed for the jewelry.  
Each of them went to pick out a pair of clip-on earrings. Riza found a pair of rose studs that would look positively delicious with the ballet slippers. Ed continued his gaudy streak and selected a pair of silver earrings that consisted of four strands of connected hoops. All Riza could do was shake her head when she saw those. "I think I've created a monster," she muttered.  
Then came the necklaces. Ed picked these out himself. He seemed to be on a little shopping spree so Riza didn't interrupt. He really had impeccable taste…for a stripper’s wardrobe anyway. He ended up buying four necklaces two consisted of a thin band of metal going around the wearer's neck. However one had a sort of silver, metal netting that collected to the band along the front of the neck and tapered to a point at the middle of the wearer's chest. The other had the same design only formed with sliver strips of metal. The third necklace branched off slightly in style. It was a simple shear, black ribbon choker. Despite its simplicity, it would definitely drive the guys mad, especially when worn with Ed's new black boots. The fourth necklace was a far cry from the rest though. It was a long string of pearls knotted near the bottom. He also took the liberty or purchasing two bracelets. The first was more a collection of bracelets, a mass of silver bangles. The second was shaped like a snake that coiled up the wearer's upper arm. It was gold with black rhinestone eyes.  
"Alright Edward, we are going to split up. I'll get some makeup for you and…I can't believe I'm doing this…I'd like you to go pick out the clothes you would like to wear on stage. Please Edward, keep in mind that you are going to have to hide however much you have down there," Riza pointed in the direction of Ed's crotch.  
Ed scowled. "Hey! Are you calling me a slutty dresser?"  
"No, I'm calling you absent minded."  
"That's better I suppose. How are you going to be able to buy makeup for me when I'm not there?" Riza held up a copy of the picture from Ed's personnel file. Ed nodded in understanding and each went a separate direction.  
Two Hours Later  
Roy's usual office posse had gathered about their commanding officer's work area to see the fashion show of a lifetime. Hawkeye had already told them to get back to work a number of times but was met each time with some variation of "No way! I'd pay money to see Fullmetal in drag and I get to see it for free!" Eventually she just gave up and went to help the upcoming spectacle put on his makeup.  
"They're going to laugh at me," carped a dejected Ed.  
"They just think they are," Riza replied as she put the finishing touches on the blonde's lipstick.  
"What do you mean?" Riza just smiled and turned Ed toward a mirror. All the boy could do at first was stare and then his expression quirked into a grin. "Yeah, they just think they are."  
With that, Ed walked into view of his waiting compatriots and simply stood there savoring their reactions. Roy had his "I'm a genius," look, confident that he had chosen the right person. Breda just stood gaping and Havoc was muttering over and over, "He's a guy. He's a guy. He's a guy." But then, who could blame them. Ed looked nothing less than exquisite.  
He wore a short gold dress just long enough to cover the fact that Ed was male. The fabric of the dress was shear and the only things that kept anything hidden were the beads and sequins down the front and back. This left the sides of Ed's sleek body tantalizingly exposed. This was coupled with a plunging neckline that came all the way down to where the skirt started, a gold cord the only thing keeping the front of the dress together. However, the place where breasts would be was completely covered so no one would ever be able to tell that his breasts were fake. After the eye could finally be torn from Ed's dress, one would notice the gold snake twisting around a toned left arm and the gold fishnets covering the slim thighs to disappear under Ed's now much loved black boots. About this time, it might occur to a man to look at this beauty's face. His gaze would travel back up the slightly curvy figure across the shear line around a graceful neck. Once the eyes cross that line they will never go back.  
The soft lines of Ed's face and his flawless skin created a perfect canvas, and that canvas was made all the more amazing by the application of a subtle pink blush and a light powder that shimmered slightly, making it look as though Ed's skin were really made of porcelain. Then there were his lips. With all of his gigantic grins one would never notice that Ed's mouth was rather small so with the expertly applied burgundy lipstick he really looked like pouting little doll. Though as usual, Ed's eyes stole the show. Mascaraed lashes framed his golden irises, which were further accentuated with black eye liner on both lids and copper shadow on the top lid. Then a light tan shadow, barely lighter than his skin was applied from the crease of his lid up to perfectly shaped brows. All of this was framed by long golden hair that had been neatly brushed and ironed. Though despite all efforts, that same bit of hair insisted upon sticking up at the front. Edward Elric was a sight to behold. Not even his missing limbs could tarnish his beauty and, if anything, added to it.  
A grin appeared on Colonel Mustang's face. "Good work, First Lieutenant."  
"Thank you, sir," Hawkeye replied.  
"Alright, now let's go talk to the owner of the club and see if he approves. Come on, Fullmetal."  
"What?"  
"Come on, Fullmetal," Mustang repeated. "We must show you to Mr. Gatton." Ed crossed his arms and refused to go. Mustang had to hold back his laughter. With all that lipstick on, the tiny alchemist almost looked more like he was puckering up for a kiss than trying to look obstinate. "Think of the stone, Ed. Think of your brother," Roy urged softly, so the others couldn’t hear. Ed seemed to ponder this for a few seconds before taking a slow, calming breath and walking out the door muttering, "I promised…whatever the cost."


	7. The "Interview"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Ed to show off this skills to the club owner.

It was rather depressing. All the way to the club Ed kept repeating under his breath, "I promised him." This was one of those moments that reminded Roy just how young Edward Elric really was. If this weren’t a military operation, Roy would probably be arrested for pushing this on someone so young. If there were any other highly skilled alchemist that looked half as convincing in a dress as Ed did, then Roy would have spared the boy from this indignity but that was not the case. This would be the last straw for him. The moment he walked into that office he could never really be a child again.  
"We're here, Fullmetal."  
"Yeah, I know."  
"Fullmetal."  
"Yeah?"  
"You’ll do great."  
"Thanks." Ed's spirits rose slightly. Sometimes he forgot that he and Roy were supposed to be on the same side, and as much as he hated to admit it, he really looked up to Roy and valued his opinion. Why else would he get so angry when he disappointed his superior.  
The Fullmetal Alchemist let out a sigh of resignation as they walked through a door at the back of the building and down a grungy hallway. Mustang grimaced as his arm brushed the wall. He had changed into black pants and a white dress shirt so he would not look conspicuous in his uniform. Unfortunately, his shirt now had a stripe of grime on the right sleeve. As he attempted to scrape some of it off, he could hear Edward sniggering.  
"What is so funny, Fullmetal?" Roy shot his companion an accusing look.  
"I'm sorry Colonel but I thought I was supposed to be the girly one around here." Mustang was infuriated. He instinctively raised his hand in the snapping position. Then he remembered he didn’t have his gloves and dropped his hand to his side with an annoyed grunt. Ed was still laughing when they walked into Mr. Gatton's office.  
"Nice to see you again, Colonel Mustang," greeted Charles Gatton.  
"Likewise Mr. Gatton," Mustang replied. "I have brought our operative."  
"I noticed." Gatton looked just a little too interested. "She's absolutely delicious." Ed wasn't laughing any more. His entire being silently pleaded, "No lap dance." Thankfully, Mustang clarified, "Actually, Sir, it's a 'he'." Gatton's eye's widened as everything clicked in his mind.  
"He isn't the Fullmetal Alchemist, is he?" Gatton's gaze traveled to Ed's arm and leg.  
"Yep, that's me," Ed chimed in.  
"I'm pleased to meet you. It's only…well, I expected you to be…well…"  
Ed cut him off. "Don't even say it!"  
"Really, don't," Roy muttered.  
"Alright then Mr. Elric, you definitely look the part but let's see you dance." To Ed's relief Mr. Gatton gestured toward a poll to Ed's right. The blonde alchemist took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He could do this just as long as he relaxed and trusted his intuition. He stopped in front of the pole and turned to face Mustang and Gatton, nodding to signal that he was ready. The music began and with the press of a button a silly little kid transformed into a sexy, blonde, young adult.  
Ed's body began to slither down the pole, his slender hips holding captive every gaze in the room. As his body moved slower and lower the audience's collective eye moved up the lean body until finally Ed's smoky golden stare seemed to turn the room into a vacuum. Then air seemed to rush back into the atmosphere as the gorgeous blonde wrapped his left leg around the pole and swung a 360 and when he returned to his original location he leaped up and grasped the pole between his ever so slightly voluptuous thighs and leaned over until he hung upside down.  
Mustang nearly screamed at what he saw as gravity took effect on Ed's skirt. He fought the urge to clap a hand over his eyes at the sight of his young subordinate in a black, leather thong. Then he saw the smirk in the small blonde's face. Ed was getting revenge on Roy for all of the humiliation he had to go through. Roy's face hardened at this. He would not let Fullmetal get the better of him. This torture that Mustang had devised was backfiring on him.  
Ed knew he was getting to the Colonel, but still, he could jazz this up a little. He put both hands behind his neck and slowly moved them up to his forehead making his hair look like a waterfall of pure gold. Flesh and metal skimmed over perfect cheeks down to pronounced collar bones to cup quite convincing breasts. Mustang swallowed hard, trying not to lose his lunch. Ed grinned at Mustang's reaction and removed his hands from his "breasts" and ran them down the outside of his thighs and back up his inner thighs to flit over…a certain spot. Mustang's eyes pleaded with Ed not to do it but that only spurred the devious alchemist on. Ed left his flesh hand resting on his thigh and slipped his automail one beneath his thong to stroke his veiled neater regions.  
Mustang's eyes were now the size of saucers in his significantly paled face and to make things worse, Ed let out a seemingly involuntary moan. In reality Ed could hardly feel his own ministrations due to the fact that he had had to tape down his fairly sizable penis and testicles to keep from looking blatantly male. Despite this fact, Mustang was quite horrified.  
Ed was starting to feel the blood rushing to his head so he took hold of the pole and flipped over backward, high-heeled feet landing firmly on the floor, butt fully exposed. The Colonel felt bile rise in his throat as he stared in utter revulsion and the leather cord between two round, satiny mounds of flesh. Thankfully, Ed straitened up and Gatton had the heart to turn off the music and end Ed's dance when he noticed that the colonel had begun to wretch.  
"That was brilliant. I have to hand it to you Colonel. You certainly found the perfect operative. He can start tomorrow," Gatton commended.  
"Okay," Mustang choked in response. He then grabbed Edward by the arm and the two began to walk down the grimy hallway back to the car.  
"Sir?" Ed inquired. "How did that guy know who I was? It's not like I'm famous or anything."  
"I met with him right after I received this mission and I mentioned you as a probable candidate."  
"Oh." There were a few second's of silence. Then… "Colonel?"  
"What, Fullmetal!?"  
"Did you like the thong?"  
Mustang tried to snap only to remember, once again, that he was not wearing his gloves. Mustang crossed his arms with a grunt of irritation as Ed cackled malevolently. He didn't know how yet, but the Flame Alchemist would get his revenge. No one made Roy Mustang fall apart and got away unscathed.


	8. First Day on the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed's first day is traumatizing for everyone.

"Brother, stop blinking!" Al exclaimed in frustration. Ed growled and grabbed the eyeliner away from his brother muttering something about big metal fingers and no dexterity. Al crossed his arms. It wasn't like he could help being big and clunky. He watched as his older brother carefully applied his make-up, the gangly young boy in drag transforming into a sultry woman.  
"Does this look even?" Ed inquired turning to his sibling. Al gave a thumbs-up and Ed proceeded to put on his shoes and jewelry. Today the blonde alchemist wore a red satin corset top that matched his ballet slippers and was trimmed along the top and down the front with black lace. The lace matched Ed's miniskirt which was just sheer enough to show that there was a red satin thong underneath. To top it all off, Ed put on his pink rose earrings and his string of pearls. "So, Al, how do I look?"  
Al studied his older brother. Somehow something seemed off and he fought to figure out what it was. At first, he thought it might be the jewelry since they didn't follow the color scheme of the clothes but the more Al pondered the accessories the more certain he became that they went with the outfit. No, something else was off. "So?" Ed was beginning to squirm under his brother's gaze.  
"There's something odd. I can't figure out what it is though. Maybe you should go over to the Colonel's office and ask him if you look alright before you leave. He doesn't see you all the time so maybe he'll see something I can't."  
"Good idea, Al. Wish me luck," Ed called as he grabbed his coat and started down the hall toward the Colonel's office. As he walked Ed mulled over his entire outfit, and could find nothing wrong with it. He had even straitened his hair on his own, a feat that Edward took great pride in accomplishing. The little blonde was still contemplating as he knocked on Roy Mustang's door.  
"Come in," Mustang called. Ed opened the door and walked into the room. With any luck Mustang would decide that Ed was unfit for the job and he wouldn't have to go through with all this nonsense. "You're early, Fullmetal," Mustang remarked.  
"Yeah, well Al said that there was something weird about my outfit and he thought maybe you could figure out what it is," Ed explained.  
"Okay, let's see it." Ed removed his coat and jumped as the Colonel let out a cry and slapped a hand over his eyes. "How could he not notice THAT!"  
"What?" Ed pouted and crossed his arms.  
"Fullmetal, did you remember to…uh…tape there," Mustang pointed in the general direction of Ed's crotch, still averting his eyes.  
"Yes, I did. This was the best I could get it!"  
"Then how did you get it yeste…No. She didn't…" But Ed's deep blush spoke for him. "I haven't even gotten a kiss from the Lieutenant and she already touched YOU down THERE! What's happened to you, Mustang?"  
Having regained his composure Ed exclaimed, "Hey, it's not like that, you sick freak!"  
Mustang, also having regained his composure, walked over to his desk and pulled out a roll of tape brandishing it menacingly, a sadistic grin contorting his features. The poor little blonde started to back away toward the door but to no avail. The crazed Colonel caught his wrist and dragged him farther into the office. "Alright, let's see it." Ed reluctantly raised his skirt and slipped off the thong and, with a slightly manic grin on his face, Mustang ripped the tape off in one fell swoop. Ed let out a little squeak, his hands automatically covering his pained groin.  
"Hey, at least you haven't hit puberty yet or that would have really hurt." Ed simply growled in response as he, with much reluctance, moved his hands. "Wow, I guess that tape did do a little didn't it… Wha…nooo!"  
Ed was starting to get annoyed with his superior's half sentences. "What now! Wait! What are you DOING!"  
Mustang had forgotten all inhibitions momentarily and grabbed Ed's penis, seemingly measuring it and muttering, "Four inches soft already? You had better stay short or I'll never live down being smaller than…"  
He got no further however as Edward had just realized the word of doom had been uttered.  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE'S NOT EVEN TO SCALE WITH HIS OWN PENIS!" Then the rampaging teen calmed as a thought occurred to him. The mischievous boy began to rub his hands together in a scheming manner. This little tidbit about the Colonel might come in handy one day. Mustang took no notice of this, however. He was moving Ed's gonads every which way to figure out how best to hide them. The young alchemist stood scowling for a few minutes getting progressively more nervous as whatever Roy was doing started to feel weirder and weirder. All of a sudden, Ed twitched involuntarily and he heard Mustang say, "Oops." At that, Ed looked down to his penis and screamed, "What did you do to it!"  
"You mean to tell me that you've never had an erection before?" Roy smirked.  
"How do I make it go away!" Ed was beginning to get frantic.  
"Well, if you wait long enough it might go away on its own." Mustang glanced at his watch and grimaced. "We don't have that long. I can't BELIEVE this is happening. Okay, Fullmetal," Mustang knelt in front of Ed and took the boy's hand muttering, "Damn, how can he be this big?" Then the Colonel instructed Ed how to move his hand over his penis in order to "get rid of " the erection. That taken care of, Mustang went to look for something to clean up the inevitable mess and tried not to listen to the grunts and moans coming from his diminutive colleague. "Great," Mustang thought, "this kid hasn't even started the job yet and he's already had two people touching him. Maybe I should have volunteered for this." Just then, Ed inhaled sharply and let out a cry through gritted teeth. Mustang took that as his cue and chucked a cloth at Edward's head, telling him to clean up. The Fullmetal Alchemist did as he was told feeling utterly mortified that he had had his first orgasm in front of the Colonel. There was no possible way that he could ever live this down if it got out and, knowing the Colonel, it would.  
"All clean, Fullmetal?"  
"Yeah, now hurry it up this time. If I have to do that again, I'm making you watch." Mustang felt bile rise at the very suggestion and Ed grimaced and hoped he wasn't being rendered sterile as Mustang taped him down more than a little over zealously. Roy was about half-finished when the door to the office banged open and Havoc entered, prepared to drive Ed over to the club. However, he was barely in the room before he screamed at the sight before him. From Havoc's point of view the Colonel was kneeling in front of Edward Elric, face at groin level. Not to mention that poor Havoc happened to be the recipient of a Fullmetal moon.  
Said Colonel craned his neck to peer around Ed's hip at the source of some rather irritating shrieking. He gave a long sigh when he saw that it was just Havoc being a nutter as usual. "What is it, Lieutenant?" Mustang bellowed over the racket.  
"I…I didn't know you swung that way, Sir," Havoc stammered lamely.  
"I don't know about you but I'm as straight as they come. I'm just taping some things down," Roy replied, brandishing the roll of tape not unthreateningly.  
"What? I'm completely strait!" Havoc retorted.  
"Then stop staring at my butt already! It's freakin' me out!" Ed shouted.  
"Ah! I didn't mean to…er…I'm not… I'll wait for you to finish…uh…taping." There was a long pause. "Right." Havoc left the room. After that last setback, Roy was able to finish taping Ed down without interruption.  
Mustang said as Ed dressed, "I've seen enough of you to last a lifetime and then some. You're dismissed." Ed grumbled incoherently as he grabbed his coat and stomped out of the room. Unfortunately, stomping just isn't quite as threatening in ballet slippers as it is in boots. Ed slammed the door behind him making Havoc jump. "Ready to go, sir?" Havoc said.  
"Yeah. Sure. As ready as I'll ever be," Ed replied. The two walked down the hallway in silence. Ed was not looking forward to his upcoming mission. He just had to keep repeating to himself that this was all for Al. Havoc was just too traumatized from everything he had seen to say anything. After what seemed like a year they reached the car and sped off to the club. Ed was practically shaking as he approached the building. Havoc had already driven off. He was alone in this. The car would not return until the workday was over. Ed kept telling himself to breathe as he opened the door to the back entrance where the strippers went in.  
With one step, the boy entered a completely different world. Many other strippers were already there. A kind looking young woman approached. "You must be the new girl. They told us you'd be coming today, and aren't you just gorgeous. I think you'll fit in just fine here. My name is Christine.”  
"Thanks, I'm..." Ed's mind searched frantically. He didn't have a name! The first girl's name that came to his mind popped out of his mouth. "I'm Winry." Ed blushed almost purple at this. How could he have given her Winry's name? What if by some odd and inexplicable chance one of these girls actually met the real Winry? Ed would have a whole lot of explaining to do. By this time, Christine had told the others of his arrival. Some looked welcoming but others narrowed their eyes at the new competition. Thankfully, there was little time for Ed to be assaulted by anyone because Gatton came out of his office to give the girls a pep talk. That done, it was off to the stage.  
"You can come do floor routines with me," Christine offered. Ed accepted gladly. He was not eager to start lap dances his first day. Everything seemed to be going well, Ed's small, lean body was well suited to his task. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. The men seemed to really like him and Ed hadn't felt extremely awkward yet. That is, until he felt someone grab his hair and pulled him into a toungy kiss. He pulled back in panic only to realize that it was Christine. "Come on, the guys like a little lesbian action," she explained.  
Edward nodded numbly. At least he wasn't really female or this would be even more awkward for him than it already was. The men whooped and hollered as Christine uncovered her breasts. Ed fought the urge to run and hide. What if he had to undress too? He would be busted before the operation really even began. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Christine did not undress him. She fell back onto the stage, pulling Ed with her. She continued to kiss him, making gratuitous moans. Edward caught on and began to moan too. This went on for a little bit until, still holding Ed's lips captive, Christine turned on her side so that Ed's back faced the audience, lifted his skirt, and began to fondle his butt. The catcalls were tremendous.  
The Fullmetal Alchemist grimaced now that he didn't face the audience. "You're doing great, kid. They think you're really hot," Christine said softly. Ed nodded. This was definitely not as bad as he thought it would be. It was worse, especially when some guys reached onto the stage and grabbed at his backside too. Thankfully, Christine swatted away the groping paws possessively and flipped Ed onto his back and, to Ed's horror, started to grind on just the little detail he was hoping to hide. A surprised look crossed her face for a second and then it was gone. Soon she began to fake an orgasm, Ed followed suit, his groans from pain, not pleasure. "The boys" were not happy AT ALL.  
Once again, Christine was his salvation. She rolled off him and picked him up off the floor carrying him from the stage. As soon as they passed backstage another two strippers replaced them. "I won't tell anyone," Christine said as she placed Ed on the floor and straightened her clothes.  
"Thanks," Ed replied sincerely. The two sat in silence for a few moments catching their breath.  
"How did it happen?" Christine inquired tapping Ed's prosthetic right arm.  
"Farming accident," Ed lied.  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
Ed just shrugged. This was going to be a long mission, though it was nice to have someone that knew his little secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it. Rereading this, I noticed few puns that I hadn’t intended and decided to leave them in for the fun of it.


	9. Revenge Will Be Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed decompresses after his first day

Roy Mustang sat in his office massaging his temples. "How could you let this happen, Fullmetal?" the Colonel moaned.  
"I didn't LET it happen! She felt…uh…that I'm a guy. What was I supposed to do?"  
"I suppose you have a point. At least she isn't going to say anything about it. Thank you for your report. You’re dismissed." Ed nodded and trudged back to his room. "Think of the stone. Think of the stone. Think of the stone," he repeated until he fell onto his bed and curled up in his blankets as though clawing at the last fleeting tatters of his youth.  
The young blond woke about twenty minutes later to cool metal fingers touching his hair. "Hey, Al," Ed muttered.  
"Sorry to wake you brother, but you're going to get make-up all over your sheets." Ed gave his thanks and went to wash his face. "So how did it go?' Al inquired as his brother climbed back into bed now in his usual boxers and tank top.  
"It was okay," Ed grumbled. There was a long silence. Finally, Ed sighed and told Al all about it. "I hate it, Al! I felt so violated and alone and scared. I just want to arrest that bastard and be done with this!" At this point the Fullmetal Alchemist was furiously wiping away tears. Al gathered his weeping sibling into his arms.  
"Thank you, Brother. Thank you for going through this so I can get my body back."  
"I'd get my arm and leg back too," Ed commented.  
"I know, but I also know that's not your reason for searching for the stone. You never think of yourself, Brother. I…I just wish there was something I could do to help." Ed was frolicking in dreamland, completely oblivious to the world (not that the latter state was especially unusual). Al placed Ed back on the mattress and whispered, "I love you, Brother, and I'll repay you somehow."  
Meanwhile, Mustang, Hughes and Havoc sat in a nearby bar discussing the day's events. "Poor kid, you really should be easier on him, Roy," Hughes commented.  
"Fullmetal knew what was getting into. I'll treat him like any other soldier."  
“I only wish I had known what he was getting into,” carped Havoc sullenly.  
At this Mustang chuckled, “Are you still traumatized from earlier? I swear, Lieutenant, I'm perfectly strait.”  
“Actually, it’s the bright shiny hinney that's traumatizing me, sir.” Havoc shuddered at the thought and Mustang received a questioning look from Hughes prompting him to relate the entire incident. After catching his breath from laughing so hard, Hughes became contemplative once again. "I wish there were some way that we could keep an eye on Ed. I worry that he'll get molested on this job."  
"What do you suggest?" Havoc queried sarcastically, "That we all go take the day off to watch over him? Do you know how embarrassed Fullmetal would be if he saw someone he knew at the club?"  
All of a sudden, Mustang got a horribly evil grinch grin on his face. "YES! That's exactly what we'll do! Ah, revenge will be sweet."


	10. Revenge Denied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mustang goes to the club to play a nasty trick on Ed. It doesn't go as planned, but he still ends up, ahem, "satisfied".

Ed let out what could be nothing other than a war cry as he hurled his pillow at the alarm clock. Unfortunately, throwing things at your alarm clock doesn't usually shut it up, so Ed had to get out of his nice, warm bed to press the off button. It took every ounce of will power in the little blonde to begin to dress for the day. He decided to go for the metallic look and put on the gold dress he wore for Gatton as well as his silver stilettos and he made his face over in silver make-up to contrast the gold of his dress and hair. Even his lipstick was silver. He decided not to wear any jewelry. Ed was already decked out in plenty of bling as it was.  
After saying goodbye to Al, Edward set off to report to the colonel. He made sure that he was taped down very firmly this time. If he ever had to get that up-close and personal with Mustang ever again, he thought he might hurl. He took a deep breath and knocked on his superior's door. "Come in," Mustang called.  
This visit to the colonel's office was a lot less eventful than the last. Mustang just looked up from his work, nodded his approval and kept writing and Ed sat and waited for Havoc. While in the car Ed inquired as to why the Colonel seemed so adamant about getting his work done today. Havoc just mumbled something incomprehensible. The diminutive alchemist was starting to get a very ominous feeling in his sequin-covered gut.  
When Ed walked into the club Christine greeted him with a "Hey cutie" and a firm pat on the crotch. Ed grimaced. That's right. She knew that he was male. This would defiantly prove to be an interesting day.  
Havoc went strait to Mustang's office the moment he parked the car. "We ready?" he asked upon entering. Mustang held up a gloved finger as he scribbled furiously. Havoc waited for a good minute before the colonel triumphantly slammed the last piece of paper into his outbox.  
"Yes! Finished!" Roy cried victoriously, knocking over his chair in the process of jumping with joy. "Get Hughes and get changed. This is going to be fabulous!" With that, he sprinted off to change and Havoc did as he was told. When the three had changed they got into the car and drove to the club. All the way Mustang had his grinch smile plastered on and rubbed his hands together every now and then.  
Maes however, looked very concerned. Eventually Roy stopped looking evil long enough to inquire as to his friend's sullen expression. "I can't help but worry what Gracia would think if she knew I skipped work to go to a strip club?" Maes answered.  
"You're just going to see Ed," Havoc piped in. "It's not like you're going to find him attractive or anything." Hughes nodded his concession but mentally vowed not to tell his wife anyway.  
Before long, they pulled into the parking lot of the club and the trio made their way to the club's main room and sat down around a table. Soon a scantily clad waitress came to take their order and they each ordered their respective drinks. The waitress nodded at their requests but gave Mustang a slightly odd look as the Colonel was still looking rather maniacal.  
"So…ah…what do we do now?" Havoc wondered aloud and was answered by his crazed superior.  
"We wait."  
Ed's POV  
The day hadn't been horribly bad so far. He was to be on the pole all day and seemed to be a big hit on his first try at it. The only thing that went wrong was when his automail caught the pole oddly once and caused a few sparks to fly. At the moment, Ed was taking a short break before going back out onto the stage. Everyone was really nice to him. It seemed that they had all adopted him as their collective child or something. They were all so eager to give him tips and make sure he stayed hydrated and generally looked out for his well-being. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.  
"Hey Winry, you're on," one of the girls alerted him. Ed nodded his thanks and started toward the stage shaking his head, still chastising himself for giving out Winry's name, but there was nothing he could do about it now. At least Christine knew that it wasn't his real name. Ed sighed at his own stupidity and walked out onto the stage, looking into the crowd to feel it out.  
Suddenly he felt like vomiting right then and there. To his horror, none other than Colonel Mustang was sitting there looking smugly at him, and with him were what looked like Hughes and Havoc. Ed's face hardened. He was not going to let Mustang get the better of him, so he walked resolutely over to the poll and did his dance as though his boss was not in the audience watching him and, as it happened, making silly faces at him the whole time. When Ed returned to the backstage area he felt pretty smug. He had won the battle. Not even the renowned Flame Alchemist could foil the incredible, infallible Edward Elric, The FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST! Well, that didn't last very long.  
Just then one of the waitresses handed Ed some money. "What is this for," Ed asked, completely confounded.  
"That customer there has requested a lap dance," the waitress replied pointing to, yep, you guessed it, Roy Mustang. "He says to tell you that he likes the short ones," she added.  
"I'M NOT SHOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!" the blonde screamed.  
"Shhhhh! Alright, alright! You're not short. Just get over there and give the guy his lap dance already! Ugh! Drama queen!"  
It took everything Ed had not to stomp and scowl as he made his way over to Mustang, but he couldn't resist a quick glare at which Roy only grinned and said, "Come on, I'm ready." The diminutive blonde reluctantly climbed onto the Colonel.  
Roy's POV  
Said Colonel wasn't much more comfortable with all of this than Ed was, but he forced himself to act like he wasn't at all traumatized by any of this. He filled his thoughts with revenge and revenge only. He had to pay Ed back for making him look like an idiot in front of Gatton. Mustang kept his face stony as Ed began to touch him sensually. He could hear Hughes and Havoc desperately trying to hold in their laughter at Ed's slight grimace as he began to unbutton Roy's shirt and touch his nipples.  
Yes, now was the time to start really freaking Fullmetal out. He had his back facing a corner for a reason. Roy slyly pulled back the fabric over Ed's fake breast and pretended to suck on the would-be nipple as he stealthily licked his thumb slipped it over to Ed's real nipple and massaged it. He was rewarded with a thoroughly traumatized squeak. "You like that shorty?" Roy teased, and he chuckled as he felt every muscle in Fullmetal's body tense with barely controlled rage. "This will teach you to embarrass me," Mustang continued.  
"Oh, so this is about revenge, huh?" Fullmetal growled. Sure, he would get Roy back later, but the Colonel would deal with that when he came to it. Now, he wanted to enjoy every awkward moment of this. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Fullmetal continued, "Well, this is revenge for getting me into this."  
Mustang felt a spear of terror pierce his stomach. Edward was wearing the his own grinch simile. This was bad, very, very bad. In one swift motion Ed unzipped Roy's fly and whipped out the member within. A soft fleshy thumb began to massage the head while a cool metallic touch played about the Colonel's body. The expressions on Havoc's and Hughes's face turned quickly from mirth to horror as the penis in Ed's clutched grew hard, and moans began to escape their superior's lips. Somehow, Roy didn't care.  
Fullmetal was good, really good. The boy knew exactly how to touch him and the feeling of flesh moving up and down his shaft and metal caressing his face and body was amazing. Roy moaned even more deeply as Ed captured his lips, forcing his tongue in haphazardly but with determination and dominance. He could tell that he was coming dangerously close to climax. When Ed finally pulled back, Mustang choked out, "I hate you."  
"I hate you too, you sadistic pyromaniac," Fullmetal whispered back and then stood up and trailed his grasp along the Colonel's shaft flicking the tip in passing. That was it. Roy Mustang fought a cry of rage and pleasure, eyes locked on that little brat just standing there smugly, watching him spill his seed. "Have a nice day, sir," was all Edward said before sauntering backstage.  
There was, however, more than Mustang's gaze following the young blonde's progress. "Yes, she's perfect," said the owner of the second pair of eyes. "I'll have her next. I must have that beauty, that blonde one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurray! I finally finished the rest of this chapter! You got some of the Ed X Roy action, and you now know the reason for the title. It turned out that this second half was a lot more complicated to write than I thought. I hope it was worth it.


	11. A Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Ed thinks he's found his mark.

"Ed! Get out of the shower! You've been in there for 45 minutes."  
"Just 5 more minutes, Al," Ed replied. "Still...feel…unclean." The Fullmetal Alchemist finally got out of the shower 15 minutes later and immediately began to wash his hands over and over.  
"What are you DOING?" Al inquired, beginning to worry about his beloved brother.  
"I still smell like Colonel Mustang. It's so nasty! I can't believe I did that!"  
"Brother, why do you smell like the Colonel?" Ed dried his hands with a sigh and confided the whole story. Needless to say, Al was more than a little freaked. "Ed, I'm sorry, but that is really disgusting. Here, go ahead." Al pushed Ed toward the sink and handed him the soap.  
Ed sighed, "Thanks, Al," and continued to scrub away at his hands.  
Ed was ready early the next morning. He hadn't really slept the night before. He had pondered long and hard and decided that he was going to offer a truce in the undeclared war that he and Mustang were fighting. It was all starting to get a little wrong. Edward knocked on the door of Mustang's office and was permitted to enter. Once inside Ed walked straight up to Roy's desk and slammed his palms down on the surface. "I propose a truce!"  
"Okay, truce!" Ed stared at the hand the Colonel had extended to initiate a handshake.  
"That was too easy! What do you have planned, Mustang?"   
Roy sighed and massaged his temples momentarily.  
"Fullmetal, it's well worth forgoing revenge never to have to see you in a state of undress EVER AGAIN."  
Ed narrowed his eyes quizzically for a bit before offering to shake on their truce. Mustang reached out to shake Ed's hand but stopped midway. Each looked at the other's hand, thought of yesterday's events, and promptly returned his hand to his side. Ed then stalked over to a seat and plopped himself down to wait for Havoc.  
The Fullmetal Alchemist remained silent all the way to the club. This would be his third day at this and he was starting to fall into a routine. The day went on smoothly except for when he fell off the stage and jumped back up just in time to avoid being loved just a little too much by his audience. At least no one else had requested a lap dance. That would be a bit of a disaster. Still, it hadn't happened, and Ed was grateful.  
Unfortunately, things are never simple for Edward Elric. As he neared the end of the day he noticed someone in the back watching him with an odd smile on his face. The man had thinning brown hair and wasn't much taller than Ed. He was too far away for Ed to distinguish much more but he seemed really creepy. Ed made a mental note to discuss what he'd seen with Colonel Mustang. Could this be the guy?


	12. A Red Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the final showdown.

"Bye, Winry," Christine called as Ed stepped out of the door. Ed waved back cheerily. He felt rather proud of himself today. His secret was safe, and it looked like he wouldn't have to be doing this much longer if that weird man was the killer. Soon life would be back to normal. Edward was just about to turn the corner into the lot where Havoc waited for him, when someone caught his hair and pulled him back. He let out a grunt of surprise as his back hit the ground. Then, the blonde's breath caught in his throat as he looked into the face of his assailant. It was that scary guy he had seen earlier. This man was the notorious killer and Ed was currently laying on his back at this man's mercy! It didn't take long for him to gather his wits, and Ed's wits came to a unanimous consensus: Run! He made to jump to his feet, but it was already too late. The vile creature pounced on Edward laughing, "No you don't, my blonde one."  
Panic coursed across every synapse. Ed thrashed in his attacker's grasp and, with true Edward Elric luck, his shin collided with a rather sensitive spot causing our villain's hands to rush to defend the family jewels, so to speak. That was just the opening Ed needed to push the man off and flee for his life. The little alchemist probably broke the Amestris record speed for running in heels that day. He knew that once he rounded that last corner, he would be in sight of Havoc and he'd be home free. Just as Edward approached the corner, there was a searing pain in his right leg and he fell to the ground just inches from safety. He winced at the energy that had grazed his leg and hit his goal corner, showering him with pebbles.  
In that momentary lapse, the killer took the initiative and ripped Ed's automail arm out of the socket and tossed it aside. Blinded by pain, Edward was able to do little as his aggressor knelt on his legs and held down his remaining arm. This time there was no getting free. Tears sprang to golden eyes as yellow teeth bit chunks of skin off Ed's collarbone. He would have been screaming if not for the grubby hand pressed over his mouth.  
The bites went lower and lower and soon, a horrifying thought came to Ed. What would happen when this guy found out that he was not assaulting a woman? What of he just decided to kill him? "No!" Ed thought, "I don't want to die like this!"  
Just as despair began to descend, Ed heard footsteps and Havoc's voice saying, "Hands up, you're under arrest!" Slowly the killer let go of Ed, but Ed saw his gaze flick to the stone on the ground next to him. Both attacker and victim lunged at the same time, but Ed was quicker. He snatched the stone and stumbled over to the squadron of regular soldiers and state alchemists. Edward Elric didn't see the end of the stand-off.  
Epilouge  
Classified Case File: The Nightclub Killer  
… The Fullmetal Alchemist was taken to the hospital at which time his automail arm was returned to him. Regarding the perpetrator, Mr. Eugene Riley, he was taken into custody and interrogated in accordance with regulation 675B. During the first session, the only information he gave was a muttering sounding like "Stole it form Zenetyme" when asked where he got the stone. He would say no more. The night after the interrogation, Mr. Riley hung himself from a pipe on the ceiling of his cell using his bed sheet. Prisoner holding policies will be edited accordingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people back in 2005 said this story was the most ridiculous and disgusting thing they'd ever read. I took that as a challenge. Keep an eye out for the sequel.


End file.
